Blog · How to get a calm, well-mannered dog
Stop letting strangers pat your dog. Lie if you have to.
Every "it's okay, he's friendly" is a lesson your dog is taking notes on. Here is the script I give owners, why a small lie is fine, and the one place this rule flips.
Say no to the pat. Every "it's okay, he's friendly" moment teaches your dog that strangers are the most exciting thing on the street, and then you wonder why he scans, pulls and jumps on people.
Saying no feels rude, so do not say no
I know refusing feels rude. Australians are lovely about dogs, which is exactly the problem. The person is already crouching, the voice has gone up two octaves, and you cave, because refusing feels like an insult. So do not refuse. Give a reason.
The script, word for word
"Please don't pat him, we're teaching him not to jump on you."
Notice what that does. It is not a plea, it is a reason, and it makes the pat about their shins, not your rudeness. People accept reasons. What they do not accept is "no" on its own, because then it's okay, he's friendly, and their hand is on your dog.
If the reason does not land, make one up
He's bowled a kid over and we really want to teach him. Has he bowled a kid over? Doesn't matter. You are not under oath at the park. Your dog's training is worth more than a stranger's thirty seconds of fun, and the stranger will forget your dog by dinner. Your dog forgets nothing.
The exception: puppies
If you have a puppy, the rule is not no. It is who. Who pats your puppy is engineered, not left to chance, because a puppy does need the whole world while it is still a sponge: every kind of person, hat, beard, helmet, hijab, wheels and smell.
So ask the people who look uninterested. They pat once and walk away when you end it. Never the people with puppy eyes, because they will not stop when you say that's enough, and now your puppy is learning to jump on exactly the person who rewards it for jumping. Curate the pat, do not cancel it. The blanket no starts when the puppy becomes a teenager and every greeting turns into a bounce.
What your dog learns when you run the script
Every time you step in before the stranger arrives, you are answering the question your dog is constantly asking: who handles this, you or me? The more you advocate for him in situations where he is uncertain, the closer he stays. In his words: I trust you now.
Two side rules while we are here
Never let strangers feed your dog treats, and do not feed treats yourself when other dogs are around. Food out in front of other dogs is how you end up with every dog in the park homing in on you, and you have no idea which of them guards food.
And when you do allow a pat, on your terms: calm dog, low pat, done. Pat when you like the feeling, not when the dog demands it.
Advocacy is a skill, and it is one of the first things I teach, because everything else gets easier once the dog trusts you on the door. The everyday manners guide is the place to start.
Common questions
Should I let strangers pat my dog?
As a default, no. Every stranger who pats your dog teaches it that people on the street are the most exciting thing available, which is how you get scanning, pulling and jumping. Allow the pat on your terms instead: calm dog, low pat, done.
Is it rude to say no when someone asks to pat my dog?
Not if you give a reason. "Please don't pat him, we're teaching him not to jump on you" is accepted almost every time, because it makes the pat about their shins rather than your rudeness. A bare no is what gets argued with.
What about puppies who need socialisation?
Puppies need people, but you choose which ones. Ask the people who look uninterested, because they pat once and stop when you end it. Avoid the ones with puppy eyes, who will not stop when you ask, and who teach your puppy that jumping works.
